“Bad behavior” manifests in lots of forms when it comes to children: from yelling and door slamming, to ignoring and rule defying, to relentless begging and tantrum throwing.

It can often feel overwhelming, never-ending, and infuriating - and before you know it, all of the wonderful communication and coping tools have vanished as we’re left responding in a way that our “highest self” just wouldn’t.

Any of these sound familiar? If so, this makes sense! You’re human, and we all have moments we wish we’d handled differently.

But I’ve got a helpful tip for future hair-pulling moments…

Remember this: Children often ask for love in the most unloving of ways. Under their “bad behavior,” there’s something else happening - and it usually involves big, overwhelming feelings that they just don’t quite have the tools to handle well at that moment.

Seeing it through this filter, you may start to realize that their behavior is less of a personal attack towards you and perhaps more of a sign that they're struggling in knowing how to handle the situation constructively.

Become your child’s Emotion Coach. Their bad behavior is a sign they need help navigating the situation.

Big feelings are part of life. There are times when everyone will feel sad, angry, hurt, and disappointed. The thing we want to teach our children is this: What are helpful and healthy things to do when you experience a big feeling?

Before you fall back into a familiar pattern of reacting to their bad behavior (which most likely isn’t working well for you or for them), pause and ask yourself these questions:

“What is the situation at hand right now?” See if you can bring a new level of perspective and objectivity to the situation. It’s like a puzzle.
“What might my child be feeling right now?” Tune into their inside experience. There are things happening inside their mind and body that they’re struggling to handle well.
“Can I help them make sense of their experience by connecting what’s happening and how they’re feeling?” Try to guide their attention inwards. It shows them that you care about their inside experience, and it ultimately helps them develop a helpful inner voice.
“What are more constructive ways for them to handle these big feelings?” Be their emotion coach and guide them towards better options and strategies.

Helping your child look inside and name the feeling they’re experiencing actually creates a profound shift in neurological activity, which often helps them feel calmer. Think of this trick as “name-it-to-tame-it.”

You might also direct your child towards self-soothing activities, like drawing or writing about their feelings, taking some time to pet the dog or bounce a ball for a while, or squeezing a pillow.

As their emotion coach, you can channel your energy into helping them look inside, make sense of what’s happening, and make a conscious decision on how to take care of themselves in that moment.

Most often, helping your child take Time In - rather than sending them to time out - helps them develop lifelong skills for problem solving, constructive communication, and learning how to take care of themselves in a loving way.

Imagine if there were no rules or laws around driving - no stop signs, no traffic lights, no lanes and no rules around which side you drive on.

It would be... pure chaos. Chaos feels unpredictable, overwhelming, and dangerous, so naturally we’d feel scared on the road if there were no driving laws or guidelines.

Children need structure. While rules can sometimes frustrate them, a home environment that has no predictability, consistency, and order can be anxiety provoking and feel scary.

As parents, it can be challenging to have consistent responses and stick to our rules. Our children sometimes push the boundaries, whine when we say no, and act out in anger when they don’t get their way.

The tricky part of giving in and not maintaining consistent boundaries is that they learn that these behaviors WORK. Sometimes pushing boundaries, whining, and acting out DOES get them what they want. And they’re smart (they’re your kids, after all!)- so they’ll continue to do what works!

And in these moments, we can feel overwhelmed - paralyzed and confused about whether to just give in so they stop, or feeling like we need to run out of the house to escape them - sometimes even yelling in frustration.

All of these reactions making it more difficult to navigate the situation in a constructive way, and we can get caught in a pattern, where this situation happens in different forms over and over again.

However, when we intentionally take time - in a calm state, when we’re not stressed and can think clearly - to reflect on what we want the rules and boundaries of our house to be, we too can feel more contained and ready to take on the tough situations. This means consciously deciding what’s ok with you, what’s not ok with you, and where the line is.

Having a clearer sense of your own boundaries as a parent frees you up to be more loving and gentle with your children as you hold that boundary. When you’re free of the inner turmoil of “Do I? Or don’t I?” you can use your energy to, instead, explain to your children why you’re saying no to their request and help them identify more constructive coping strategies for their disappointment, frustrations or feeling of rejection. The true meaning of “discipline,” after all, is to teach - and the most effective learning and growing happens when a child feels safe and supported.

And, overtime - with consistent yet supportive responses - they’ll learn that pushing the line, whining and tantruming, well, just doesn’t work, so that you can guide them towards a strategy that will work better.